Today I thought I would share with everyone the real truth behind my love for reading. Now I know I have told the story a few times to people on how I became so obsessed with reading after all I used to write and read my own stories when I was child, however, I hardly ever picked up a book written by another person.
But on a particularity boring day, the sun was shining, the warm weather had kicked in and so too had the start of my extreme anxiety and the start of depression. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house that day, my step dad had decided that football would be an amazing thing to watch that day and so I ventured upstairs into my mum room (I used to nap my mums room because I always felt safer there) but I wasn’t able to go to sleep. I wasn’t able to shut out the world around me and so picked up the first book my hand touched. Which just so happened to be ‘Twilight’ by Stephenie Meyer.
I had found a new love for books that day, I was unable to place it down and ended up taking it to my room where I continued to read it through out the night with no sleep. Once that was finished I instantly picked up the next and the next and the next.
I was devastated when I finished reading all of the Twilight books. What was I going to read now? That was the first book that had ever sucked me in and made forget the world I was in and to feel as though I was in the world of someone else.
With that thought in mind I ventured back to my mums room to take a look at all the other books my mum had laying around. My mother is one of the biggest book lovers I have ever known, loved reading from an early age as a child her favourite books to read where the Grimm Tales by Jacob Grimm books. I’ve recently bought her an old book by Jacob Grimm for mothers day that I really hope she enjoys.
The next book I picked up was The Vampire Diaries Volume 1; Awakening & The struggle – book 1-2 by L. J. Smith which I had just gotten overly obsessed with. I never wanted to put the book down for even a second of my time! It was after reading these books my love for reading truly came into play and I bought book after book.
At this point in my life I had start high school and was entering probably my 5th month of being there, already started the process of distancing myself away from people, I stopped hanging out with my friends and when I did I never had anything to say or add to our conversations. It was as though I no longer cared for the social game, I didn’t care if the pretty girls like me and thought I was cool, I no longer cared if I had any of the boys attention, I no longer cared for my work or the grades that I had spent all my life working hard to get better at. I just didn’t care anymore. Life with and around humans just didn’t seem like something I could carry on doing any more. I didn’t feel human… I still don’t at times.
I tried, I tried to keep in the conversation with my friends, I tried to engage in petty talk and breaking up arguments between my girlfriends, I tried to show interest in my school crush and I really did try caring about the mark the teachers were handing back to me but everything had started to feel…. not pointless but….Insane.
It honestly seemed insane to me that we were forced to do things we didn’t want to just because we were born into this society, because the people in power have told us this is best and this is what must be done. I noticed more the older I got the less people cared for you and your well being, teachers only start caring about the marks and numbers the school is making, kids stop dreaming about becoming a singers and wrestlers and start thinking about child-care or building… I watched kids go from dreams to piratical thinking and it killed any and every magic I thought was left in the world.
I believed all magic was gone by this point. I was locking myself away, I didn’t want to interact with anyone friend, family or stranger. There were a few moments of self-harm (luckily it was all shallow and not at all something that would leave any scars), there were so many moments that I just slept away because I was so sick of being awake, of being alive and there were countless of nights/days where I thought about suicide, where I thought about all the pros to be going gone, to not being here anymore… but there was always a major con that kept me here.
My family. Who’d help look after them, who would be there for them? Who would drop everything at drop of a hat to go running to try and save the day? My mother and siblings me the absolute world to me, they’re the only people in the world that understand my crazy & weird and love me unconditionally for it anyway. I couldn’t put them through something like that, I could do that and leave them thinking there was something they could have done, I didn’t want them living with the guilt that there was something that could have been done.
But even that thought was barely keeping me on. It wasn’t until I opened up that first book by Stepheine Meyer that magic was restored back into my life, it was as if a switch had been touched and a light had come on. All the fairy-tales that become Grimm’s Tales for me became the magical, soft and vibrant fairy tales they once used to be to me.
Books have restored my love for life, its given me a reason to go on, it’s given me something to escape to when reality gets to hard and scary. The creative imagination and other worldly views created by amazing people is what’s inspired me to become a writer of my own, to become an aspiring author who will one day have her book out on shelves in shops and in photos on Instagram from those who have read/bought my creation.
If you don’t read, if you’re kids don’t read then I beg you give it try! Find them a book they will like or do what my mum taught me to do and teach your kids to write their own little stories they can read. Books saved my life in the same way music saves others. It’s restored my faith in magic and has given me a goal to focusing my energy on.
You can’t buy happiness but you can buy books, and that’s kind of the same thing…This is one quote i have forever and always loved because it’s true, for me anyway. happiness can’t be bought but I find a little bit of happiness in every book i open, in ever page i turn and in ever new world I enter.